Wednesday, May 28, 2014

change.

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I am not one to really talk personal life here but with what has been going on, I felt like I had to share with you  guys. 

It's funny how you adapt to change. Each one of us has such a different reaction to large changes. Normally, I am panicked, flustered and overwhelmed. I can't concentrate and all I can think about is how the change is either unfair, exciting or how everything else will now be different. 

I am currently one month from a change that rocked my entire world. The end of an eight and a half year relationship. Moving out, breaking ties with people who have become loved ones and losing my every day best friend and confidant. Those things alone were what kept me from allowing this change for so long. This change was the most painful and liberating thing I have ever gone through in my entire life. For the first few days I really wasn't sure how I could function as a single piece. Why should I have to learn to? Why me?

All of these 'poor me' thoughts were swirling and consuming. I felt like a tornado of broken. I have never been one to physically react to my emotions, but this really did get the best of me. It was like nothing I have ever experienced. I couldn't eat, I didn't want to drink and I didn't want to fall asleep because I hated the idea of waking up and having to remember what was happening all over again. Then, just like the movies, a song came on the radio and I screamed it at the top of my lungs with tears streaming down my face. At the end of the song I literally felt the weight, sadness, anger and hurt lift. It was the most surreal and pretty much dramatic moment ever. Not only am I going to be able to learn how to be a single person, I decided I was going to be awesome at it. 

Being 27 and single is a hell of a lot better than waking up at 35 and being miserable. Single shouldn't be scary. In fact, it isn't scary. It's fun. Sure, dating is absolutely the most terrifying thing I can imagine, but for every bad date you have a great story to gossip with your friends about. The first date is like ripping off a band-aid, not so bad, just do it. On top of all of this, I was reminded that not only do I have the most wonderful and supportive family, but my friends are the kind of people who really do make everything better.

I have been struggling with the guilt of not being as upset as everything thinks I am. I am happy. I really just feel good. Sure, I have waves of sadness, he was a wonderful man. BUT, the excitement and unknown is really almost too much for me to keep the smile off my face. I feel light and breezy.  Actually, the worst part of this whole brand new single girl thing is the pity.

"Oh, you will be ok!" I am actually fan-fucking-tastic.

"You are just so strong! You will find someone." Oh thank you, I know, there are plenty of tinder boys out there.

"Hang in there, you're awesome." No shit, of course I am.

OK you guys, enough. How about "I am so happy you are happy."

So the general gist of this ramble? I am tindering, doing me and loving living life. 

Cheers to an epic summer and to just being happy.
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8 comments:

  1. Yay for you doing what you need to do to make you happy!!

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  2. You rock girl. Get ready for a book deal, because it's coming. Xoxo

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  3. I love you, Amanda! “You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.” -- Maya Angelou

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  4. I wish you nothing but the best & admire your courage to make the tough choice.

    xo, Maddy
    http://cassidylou.com

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  5. I am so happy you are happy! :)

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  6. Hhaha when else can you rock Tinder and have fun and be single? If anything you'll realize how many there are out there..

    It's summer, it's the start of a wonderful time of the year! Blogs will always have room for a little bit of personal 'real life' :)

    http://christycee.blogspot.ca/

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  7. I am oh so happy that you are happy :)

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  8. You freaking go girl, you are AWESOME
    and I am dying at the "Tinder Boys" part, where was that app when I was single?!
    :)

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